How Many Calories in a Box of Envelopes?

It’s already September, and I am still holding firm in my resolve to not eat sugar although I do find myself licking extra envelopes and eating an extra chewable Zicam every once and a while, and I haven’t been able to give up bread, even though I know I should.  My stress level is off the charts right now so it’s actually good that I’ve eliminated at least some of the refined crap I used to turn to in times of trouble.  

I want to be able to say I don’t know why I haven’t lost any weight, but if I’m going to be honest, I know exactly why.  I may not be binging on sugar, but I’m still binging.  Today I binged on Joe Bandidos and Hamburger Helper.  Yesterday it was my neighbor’s homemade bread.  The day before it was my butter/flour cookie that I invented.  So there must be more to this binging behavior.  The human body really is something else.  I mean how does it know that I’m not eating sugar?  How does it know that chewable Zicam is an acceptable substitute for Oreo ice cream?  That’s just crazy.  I really do need to take it to the next level.  I tried it a while back, but I really wasn’t enjoying the experience.  I did stop drinking diet coke a couple of weeks ago.  I keep thinking that if I give up bread too, there will be nothing left.  Fruit, vegetables, meat?  What kind of an empty life must that make?

I feel like right now I’m doing good just to get up out of bed in the morning.  Everything else is a bonus.  I’m going to have to keep it status quo for now… at least until my family life settle down.  The fact that I’m living with 5 teenagers and a great dane that still pees in the house AND I haven’t touched a Twinkie in over 5 months… well that’s pretty darn good.  The next level will come eventually, but I’m not ready yet. 

3.5 Months Down and an Eternity Left to Go

As I fast approach my 4-month sober anniversary -and I can honestly say I have been sober- I can’t help but think I’m backsliding a bit.  Maybe it’s my newfound affinity for butter or perhaps it’s the fact that I inhaled several large spoonfuls of curly white pasta straight out of the pan tonight, but in any case I feel a need to re-commit.  I can’t help but wonder if it might be because I have not been to any recovery meetings lately.   Since summer has hit, I’ve been busy and I must admit, a little too self-confident about my new sugar-free lifestyle.  I’m not sure what it is about those meetings, but I heartily feel that they greatly contribute to addiction recovery success.  I think that it might be the fact that attendance shows humility.  It is an outward sign of an inward dependence on God.  That’s huge.  And I also believe that just showing up is a form of serving others.  So I’m re-committing myself to my Monday afternoon meetings.   I also feel that I might be ready to take the next step in abstinence.  I’ve been trying to stick to mainly whole grains, but refined flour has crept into my daily intake more and more lately.  I have to say that on a scale of 1 to 10, I’ve been a steady 6 or 7 as far as mood goes and probably about a 5 or 6 in energy level.  (As opposed to the 2 and 1’s I felt during my sugar-inebriated life.)  But I want to get into the 8’s!  Or dare I hope for 9’s?  Please note that I have not posted my weight or mentioned any weight loss/gain.   I actually don’t know what I weigh.  I don’t own a scale anymore.  I’m pretty sure that I haven’t lost any weight as my clothes fit the same, and I still have that particularly annoying back-fat fold right below my bra line.  But I just don’t care.  I feel so much better!  I’m not saying that it’s always easy (or ever easy!)  My daughter made chocolate krinkle cookies the other day.  I love those.  I’ve just found that not having any makes it doable.  It’s the “having just one bite” that does me in.  Do I worry about falling off the wagon?  Yep.  Do I salivate when I smell cookies in the oven?  Yep.  Do I wish I could be one of those skinny people who can eat half a candy bar?  Yep.  (How do they do that anyway???)  But am I happier than I was 4 months ago?  Yep.  And that’s the part I’m focusing on. 

Just Add it to My List

I know.  I know.  I haven’t been blogging in a while.  (Side note:  when I was young, there was no such word as blogging.)  It’s not because I’ve been eating sugar.  I haven’t.  (Although I did eat an entire stick of butter the other day.  I found out that if you melt it and mix it with flour, it almost tastes like a cookie.)  I’ve just been busy.  Besides blogging I have to find time to go to my addict meetings and work the steps (of which I have been greatly slacking).  I also have to write in my personal journal, take care of a house full of kids, keep a great dane from tracking in mud, go to church, go to church activities, sometimes clean the church, learn new Zumba choreography, learn new weights routines, listen to new music to use in the new Zumba choreography and weights routines, take care of my husband’s manly needs, answer phone calls and emails from my Sweaty Chix, make crappy, no-sugar dinners for my family, watch Modern Family, take my daughter to her vaulting lessons, take my other daughter to the mall with her friends, take my college son money because he never has any, take my mother to her doctor appointments, take my father to his doctor appointments, take my father to buy new clothes because his pants fall down and he walks around in his underwear and the living facility where he stays doesn’t like that, take more care of my husband’s manly needs, do laundry sometimes, try and help with our other business called Biolynk, try to explain to my business partner why I haven’t had to time to help with Biolynk, weed my yard, help my neighbor weed their yard because that’s what good neighbors do, feed the sick, clothe the naked, etc etc etc.  You get the idea.  Just writing all of that made me tired so I’m going to go to bed.  I forgot to add sleep to my list.  Night.

Hello. My Name is Wendy, and I'm an Addict.

Hi Chix.  I think my last few posts must have been alarming as I had phone calls from several of you who were worried about me.   One friend called and told me that my posts had made her so sad that she cried.   (And before I go on, let me assure everyone that I'm fine and that the razor blade and the bathtub may have been a little overdramatic.)  Anyway, another friend came over one night and told me she felt like I was calling out for help.  She brought me a copy of the LDS Addiction Recovery Program book and a schedule of their meetings.  At first I thought it sounded a little weird, but she said she had been attending and it had changed her life.   I told her I’d go with her the next day.  I kind of expected it to be a bunch of drug and porn addicts talking about their problems, but it was’t like that at all.  As a matter of fact, it was the most spiritual meeting I have ever attended.  I’m sure there were all kinds of addicts there, but no one spoke of any details or even of their particular issue.  They spoke of finding hope through Christ.  They spoke of their recovery experiences and the love of God that they felt through their struggles.  I couldn’t help but think that these people were celestial shoe-ins.  They were so humble and grateful.  I couldn’t wait to go back.  And I have been every week since.  They have meetings specifically for eating disorders, and I’ve started attending those.  The book that goes along with the program outlines the 12 steps used by Alcoholics Annonymous, but they are adapted for Christians, specifically members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It explains the principle of each step and gives questions to ponder and write about.  In my last post I talked a little about the void I had been feeling without having food to turn to.  In talking to some of the recovering addicts in the group, I’ve concluded that real healing comes from discovering the true source of that void.  Supposedly “working” these 12 steps is what does that.   I’m not sure how it works, but the first step is finding the honesty and humilty to actually begin.  I’m sure that’s why attending meetings is important.  It’s an action step, as is admitting that we are powerless to overcome our addictions.  I have taken that first step.  I know for a fact that I can’t overcome this on my own.  The Milk Duds and the ice cream bars (among many other binges not mentioned) proved that to me.  This journey has become much more complicated than I foresaw, but I’m determined.  Determined to be healed once and for all.  My name is Wendy.  I’m an addict, and by the way I’m 45 days clean. 

THE VOID

Confession:  I went a whole day and a half without white food, and I felt like there was no reason to live.  I mean sure I have my beautiful family and my dog and of course my Sweaty Chix, but it was like there was nothing to look forward to.  What is that all about?  Have I lived my life like a donkey, with food dangling in front of me like a carrot, moving from one refined carb encounter to another?  Looking back I think I have.  It gave me something to look forward to.  That box of Milk Duds (or four boxes) at the movie theater.  The chocolate dipped Ice Cream bar (or 5 of them) on the way home from class.  The thought of going to hospital to visit my dad because I know they have chocolate caramel pretzels (or 6 of them) in the gift shop.  And now?  What do I have to look forward to?  I feel sort of empty.  I suppose I need to fill that void with something.  I think exercise filled that for a while.  But when my classes became more work and stress than fun, I once again turned to food, my old reliable friend that was always there to comfort me.  Now what can I do?  I like to read.  Maybe I’ll try reading more.  I like typing these letters for my blog.  I can do more of that.  I used to make jewelry.  That might work.

Oh, by the way, I did have 2 white rolls with dinner tonight.  And they were yummy.  And I don’t hate myself.  

Gnocchis and Pizza Crusts and Pizza Crusts and Gnocchis

Hi Chix!  So it must be true that white flour is sort of a boring refined sugar.  How do I know that?  Cause technically I have still have not indulged in sweets, but I have found myself eating more and more white things.  Take tonight for example; I’m in Moab with the fam.  I’ve begged for Italian food every night we’ve been here.  First we went to Pasta Jays.  I love that place.  They have gnocchis to die for.  After finishing my Hagan Special which included gnocchis, stuffed shells and manicotti, I finished off Ron’s raviolis and then 6 pieces of garlic bread. Then tonight we went to Zak’s Pizza and Pasta.  I got the Pizza Buffet and once again finished off the bowl of garlic bread.  On a positive note, I didn’t have even a sniff of Matthew’s skillet cookie.  I didn’t even look at Ron’s caramel cheesecake with rasberries.  But I did come home and finish off all of the Pizza Hut Pizza crusts that my children didn’t finish while I was gone.  My high school physics teacher used to say that only fools have to experience things for themselves.  It’s not that I haven’t believed everything I’ve read about refined carbs. (i.e. …refined carbohydrates are just one chemical step away from sugar; and once eaten have nearly the same effect as sugar. That fluffy white stuff labeled "enriched white bread" is as much a part of a sugar problem as the sugar bowl. Healingwithnutrition.com)    It’s just that I didn’t want to have to be so strict.  I didn’t think I could do it.  I still don’t think I can do it.  But on the other hand if I’m going to binge, I’d rather do it on things that taste better than stale pizza crusts.  So do I take it to the next level?  Do I eliminate all refined carbs and take the chance of falling completely off the wagon?  Or do I continue this half-a$$ed attempt at living sugar-free with the freedom to have a peanut butter and sugar-free jelly sandwich on Wonder Bread every once and a while?  And how far am I wondering from my Intuitive Eating resolve?  I do not have the answer to these questions.  I do know that I feel the same way now after enough pizza to speak Italian as I did the night I ate an entire pan of brownies (minus one piece that I threw in the garbage just so I could say I didn’t eat the entire pan of brownies).  Obviously there is a connection.  I think I’m going to give it a try.  If I fall of the wagon, I fall of the wagon.  It’s not the end of the world. It just means I’ll have more to write about later.   

Muscle Milk vs. Milk Duds

Hi Chix!  Well, I’ve been sugar-free since March 25^th.  Hmmmm.   I thought it had been a month, but I guess it’s only been a few weeks.  Seems like longer…

Anyway, the resolve I wrote about in my last post (March 23^rd) didn’t last long.  One day to be exact.  The very next night I had to teach Zumba in Salem.  On my way home I stopped at a convenience store and grabbed a chocolate dipped ice cream bar.  By the time I got to South Spanish Fork, I had finished it.  So I stopped at another convenience store and bought another one.  By the time I got to North Spanish Fork I had finished that ice cream bar so I stopped at Albertson’s and bought a box of Haagan Daz.  It was the 3-pack bars.  You know, the ones with sweet vanilla, blended with fresh cream, covered with a silky milk chocolate coating and dipped in almonds.  I ate them all by the time I got home.  And I had to stop off the road and throw all 5 wrappers and the box away in a stranger’s garbage can so my family wouldn’t see.  I told a friend about this, and she said, “Didn’t you want to throw up?”  Nope.  Actually I could have eaten 5 more.

I hated myself that night.  I seriously thought of getting in my bathtub with a razor blade.  That double dose of Zoloft wasn’t touching this.  I decided to get on my knees instead.  I prayed hard.  I didn’t ask for my usual “please help me to eat better, blah blah blah”.  Instead I told God I was sick and didn’t want to be sick anymore.  I told Him that I didn’t care about losing weight, that I just wanted to not be chained to this anymore.  I was worried that even if I did die, I’d be carrying this addiction with me.   I don’t mean to say that I had not prayed fervently previously.  I have prayed about this as long as I could remember.  But I think it was different this time.  I was broken, and I knew I couldn’t fix it.  I felt different the next day when I woke up.  I went to teach my early morning class and instead of cereal when I got home, I had some of those eggs I had boiled.  When my 3:00pm cravings started I had a Muscle Milk instead of Milk Duds or Golden Oreos or Haagan Daz.  And I’ve done the same thing every day since.  I’ve been drinking a Muscle Milk once in the morning and once in the afternoon.  That seems to take the edge off a little.  In any case, I haven’t had any refined sugar at all.  I’m still eating white bread and pasta.  I can have a quesadilla at midnight if I want.  I’m not dieting.  I’m not trying to lose weight.  I’m eating intuitively, but I’m not eating sugar.  They say that after the first week or so the cravings go away.  I haven’t experienced that.  I still get cravings.  I don’t think it will ever be easy.  And I will not say that I’m not going to fall off the wagon.  Maybe I will.  But I don’t want to.  I feel so good!  I’m glad I’m keeping this blog too.  Maybe it will help me remember how good I feel compared to how bad I felt.  And maybe it will help someone else who is going through similar things.  I hope so.

The Funk... I Want Off of This Crazy Ride

Hi Chix.  So I think I want to try and get out of my funk.  Did I tell that “my funk” is the real reason I haven’t written in this blog much lately?  Yes.  It’s because all I want to do in my spare time is sleep, or at least lay in bed and watch sad movies.  So on Tuesday - after my Monday breakfast of caramel popcorn and my Monday dinner of Golden Oreos – I decided to double my Zoloft dose.  Part of it was because I forgot I had already taken it earlier, but part of me figured I probably needed it.  Afterall, I’ve been so depressed.  I mean REALLY depressed.   And that’s what Zoloft is suppose to fix, right?  Well, I kept thinking about those articles I read on Sunday; the ones linking depression to refined sugar consumption.  So when my usual afternoon time to eat a lot of carbs came around, I downed a protein shake instead.  It did curb the cravings, and I made it through the day without a sugar binge.  So I think I’m going to try that again today.  I woke up this morning and almost grabbed some white bread, but instead I did the same thing… protein.  And sure enough, it’s 11:51am, and I’m okay.  Anna Rita (my Hot Hula friend) told me to boil a couple of dozen eggs and have them in the fridge at all times.  She said deli meat and cheese work the same.  So I’ll go to the store today and stock up.  But how to I justify this to all of you?  I’ve been preaching “no diets” for months, and now here I am back to ground zero.  I’m not sure how to explain.  It’s embarrassing actually.  But maybe there’s a way to not diet but just refrain from sugar.  Yeh.  That works.  Afterall, I refrain from alcohol.  I refrain from cigarettes.  So why not just add sugar to that list?  I can still eat anything else I want.  As a matter of fact, I went to a Mexican drive-thru last night at 10:30pm and had beans and cheese.  And then I came home and had chicken noodle soup.  That definitely doesn’t fit the Atkin’s way of life.  I’ll try this… again.  I’ve tried it before.  And I do remember that I didn’t need so much Zoloft at the time.  But maybe it will stick this time.  Or maybe not.  I do know one thing is different about this time around.  I’m not doing it to fit into my skinny jeans.  As a matter of fact, I’ve learned to love my elastic waste Garfield fleece pajama bottoms.  My husband doesn’t even complain so much anymore when I wear them to Walmart.  I’m doing it for my mental well-being.  I’m tired of being an addict, and I’m ready to humbly crawl out of this hole I call a funk.

4 Boxes of Milk Duds and One Giant Cookie Later…

Hi Chix.  So I haven’t written on this blog in a while.  It’s not because I’ve given up my “no more diets” mantra.  It’s more because I’ve felt like I haven’t figured anything out.  As a matter of fact, I was feeling like I’d backslid about 9 years… back to when I was 190 pounds and depressed.

I finished Intuitive Eating.  And for the most part, I agree with it.  But I’m thinking that it’s missing a chapter.  The missing chapter would be specifically targeted to those of us who are addicted to sugar.  I’ve found that my “intuitions” are leading me to an increasingly unhealthy amount of refined sugar.  Case in point, I went to a movie with my daughters yesterday.  During the movie, I ate 2 boxes of Milk Duds and some twizzlers.  That same night I went to another movie with my husband where I ate 2 more boxes of Milk Duds and one of those really big, deliciously soft macademia nut and white chocolate cookies.  This wouldn’t be too shocking had I not consumed 2 bowls of ice cream and a Malawi’s dessert pizza in between the two movies.  And even all of this would be somewhat understandable if it weren’t something that I do on a daily basis. 

One thing that I have noticed (and that does give some comfort) is that my weight has stabilized.  I remember Ganeen Roth (When Food is Love) saying that eating whatever we want will only cost us 10 pounds or so.  And that’s about right.  After beginning my intuitive eating, I gained about 10 pounds, but I’ve held steady there for a couple of months now.  And honestly, if it were just for the physical aspect, that 10 pounds would be more than worth the ability to eat all the Milk Duds I want.  IF it were just for the physical…

But it’s not.  There’s a mental aspect as well.  I’ve noticed as my sugar consumption has increased, so has my depression.  Today I decided to google sugar and depression.  BAM!  11 million hits.  Lot’s of studies prove what I’m just now figuring out.  They are linked.  Here I’ve been blaming my Zoloft dosage and really it’s probably more to do with the Milk Duds.  I mean I knew that sugar causes all sorts of highs and lows, but I’ve really felt like I’m going crazy.  And everything inside of me is screaming that sugar is the cause. 

So how does one practice intuitive eating and yet do what one needs to do to conquer the sugar addiction?  I wish I knew.  I could picture a life without potato chips.  I could live 100 years and not eat another fried whatever.  But picturing a life without sugar is literally like a life without air.  I don’t think I can do it.  I’ve tried before.  I’ve gone months without it only to fall harder off the wagon than the time before.  I think this is what started my binges, which led to my intuitive eating, which led to me writing this blog  (which led to the log in the hole of the middle of the sea) in the first place.  And yet my mental health depends on it.  So what do I do?  Maybe I’ll write the ladies that wrote Intuitive Eating and ask them.  Although that’s probably why they left that chapter out in the first place. 

One thing I have learned is this… Weaknesses do make us stronger.  I used to think that I was weak because of this.  I used to think that being “stronger” meant saying no to Milk Duds.  I used to think that this made me less than other people who didn’t have this problem.  And even though I haven’t conquered the addiction per se, it’s made me a better person.  I have empathy for people who struggle.  I get it when my daughter tells me she feels fat.  I’m more able to help my beautiful Chix who don’t feel like they’re good enough.  And I suppose these are strengths in and of themselves.  So I guess that’s the answer for now.  I get up and keep living and maybe one of these days I’ll wake up and my desire for Milk Duds will magically be gone.   You think? 

I posted this and then deleted it and then posted it again. And I'll explain why in the next post...

It’s been a discouraging week as far as food goes.  I’m supposed to be getting tired of eating junk food all the time.  I’m supposed to be craving salads and healthy food.  I’m supposed to be not thinking about food ALL the time… or so I thought.  I still find myself eating 5 bowls of Apple Jacks at a time.  I downed about a half gallon of cookie dough ice cream between Friday morning and Saturday afternoon.  I feel really bad about myself, and the worse part if I don’t see an end.  The book keeps saying that during this “first part” of the intuitive eating experience one might feel this way.  And unfortunately it gives no specific time frame for this “first part”.  What if it lasts for 20 years?  I think the thing that bugs me is that I just don’t feel great.  I keep thinking I need to quit eating sugar.  But then I have to steer myself away from that restrictive type of thinking.  But what if I feel BETTER when I don’t eat sugar?  It’s all so confusing.  So I continue.  Granted, I haven’t finished reading the book.  I’m a little past half way.  I keep thinking that there might be some magical solution at the end of the book.  But I don’t think so.  My mom told me the other day that I ought to try Weight Watchers.  But I know for a fact that if I do, I’ll lose some weight and then turn around and put it right back on.  After all, isn’t that the whole point of this lifestyle experiment?  To abandon all thoughts of diets and calorie counting and let my body guide the way.  Yes.  But there it is.  The problem.  I’m having a hard time letting my body be my guide.  I still shove food in like it’s a last meal.  Even though I know that it’s not.  Or at least I tell myself over and over that I can eat whatever I want whenever I want.  And I still eat when I’m stressed, which is most of the time.  I’m not ready to give up yet though.  I will keep on keepin’ on.