Muscle Milk vs. Milk Duds

Hi Chix!  Well, I’ve been sugar-free since March 25^th.  Hmmmm.   I thought it had been a month, but I guess it’s only been a few weeks.  Seems like longer…

Anyway, the resolve I wrote about in my last post (March 23^rd) didn’t last long.  One day to be exact.  The very next night I had to teach Zumba in Salem.  On my way home I stopped at a convenience store and grabbed a chocolate dipped ice cream bar.  By the time I got to South Spanish Fork, I had finished it.  So I stopped at another convenience store and bought another one.  By the time I got to North Spanish Fork I had finished that ice cream bar so I stopped at Albertson’s and bought a box of Haagan Daz.  It was the 3-pack bars.  You know, the ones with sweet vanilla, blended with fresh cream, covered with a silky milk chocolate coating and dipped in almonds.  I ate them all by the time I got home.  And I had to stop off the road and throw all 5 wrappers and the box away in a stranger’s garbage can so my family wouldn’t see.  I told a friend about this, and she said, “Didn’t you want to throw up?”  Nope.  Actually I could have eaten 5 more.

I hated myself that night.  I seriously thought of getting in my bathtub with a razor blade.  That double dose of Zoloft wasn’t touching this.  I decided to get on my knees instead.  I prayed hard.  I didn’t ask for my usual “please help me to eat better, blah blah blah”.  Instead I told God I was sick and didn’t want to be sick anymore.  I told Him that I didn’t care about losing weight, that I just wanted to not be chained to this anymore.  I was worried that even if I did die, I’d be carrying this addiction with me.   I don’t mean to say that I had not prayed fervently previously.  I have prayed about this as long as I could remember.  But I think it was different this time.  I was broken, and I knew I couldn’t fix it.  I felt different the next day when I woke up.  I went to teach my early morning class and instead of cereal when I got home, I had some of those eggs I had boiled.  When my 3:00pm cravings started I had a Muscle Milk instead of Milk Duds or Golden Oreos or Haagan Daz.  And I’ve done the same thing every day since.  I’ve been drinking a Muscle Milk once in the morning and once in the afternoon.  That seems to take the edge off a little.  In any case, I haven’t had any refined sugar at all.  I’m still eating white bread and pasta.  I can have a quesadilla at midnight if I want.  I’m not dieting.  I’m not trying to lose weight.  I’m eating intuitively, but I’m not eating sugar.  They say that after the first week or so the cravings go away.  I haven’t experienced that.  I still get cravings.  I don’t think it will ever be easy.  And I will not say that I’m not going to fall off the wagon.  Maybe I will.  But I don’t want to.  I feel so good!  I’m glad I’m keeping this blog too.  Maybe it will help me remember how good I feel compared to how bad I felt.  And maybe it will help someone else who is going through similar things.  I hope so.