Victory at the Walmart

It's Christmas today, Chix, and I'm on my way to Idaho to see my two grandbabies.  We've been driving for two hours, and my mind has been caught up in this past week's victories.  (There have also been some detours that my old self would have considered set backs, but my new and improved no-dieting self has quashed the negativity and will instead see them as simply learning experiences.)

My first "aha" happened on Monday at the Walmart.  For years I have dreaded trips to the Walmart because I only ever have one of two experiences there:  1) I either walk around staring at the delicious goodies like a lame dog in a butcher shop (this of course is when I am on a diet) or 2) I end up paying for several empty boxes of somethings or others because I have eaten them as I increasingly saunter down the isles in "what-the-hell" mode.  Anyway, this past trip to the Walmart was a different animal.  I didn't even realize it until I got to the cookie isle and told myself I could have anything I wanted.  I could have Walker's Shortbread.  I could have Golden Oreos.  I could have those yummy powdered sugar covered lemon cookies. (I love those!). But I just wasn't feeling it.  I didn't really WANT any of them.  And so I left that isle and headed to produce where I got what my body was really craving....broccoli (thank you spell check).  And then I went home and cooked it and ate it and was very satisfied.  Of course the next morning Sharlyn brought me homemade neighbor caramels and I ate them all before I got home from class at 6:50am.  But that's just one of those detours that I was talking about.  The real story here is that my body really did crave something else besides refined sugar and my brain listened and my mouth obeyed.  The victory was that I listened (and reacted) intuitively.  That tells me that there really is hope.  And though my clothes are a bit tighter than they were a month ago, (I have recently taken to wearing only clothes that are stretchy around the waist.  Amazing what a difference that makes in the brain!) I am beginning to feel liberated.  Maybe it's because the food police in my head are not as loud as they used to be.  Or maybe it's because this is the first Christmas I can remember that I haven't told myself that I'm a big loser for enjoying dessert.  I don't know.  But I do know that I'm fighting a fight that's worth the effort.  And I don't mean to say that everything is perfect.  I feel fat most of the time.  My husband is feeling a little neglected because I'm not feeling as sexy as I do when my stomach is empty.  And the jeans my son bought me for Christmas will probably sit on my shelf for just a bit.  But the positives are that I'm cooking dinners for my family consistently now because I can eat them, I'm finding that my mind has moments now when food isn't the primary focus, and I don't get depressed thinking that I will have to count calories for the rest of my life.  But probably the main reason that I know I'm on the right track is because, even thought I've enjoyed the holiday treats, I haven't binged.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I've eaten plenty, but since I've mentally given myself permission to eat, I haven't eaten to the point of hating myself.  And that's huge for me.  

So stay tuned.  I'm fully aware that this is a process.  I will continue to remind myself and you that it's the journey that counts.  It's the journey that counts.  It's the journey that counts.  :). Wendy

Ps.  A similar victory just happened at the Maverick store in Tremonton.  We stopped there for a bite to eat. (Remember it's Christmas, and even the Taco Bell is closed.). I automatically went to the candy isle cause that is what I do.  Nothing looked good.  Nothing.  So instead I had a bite of Ron's Bahama Mama hotdog and called it good.  If the Walmart was open, I might just have had some broccoli (Again, thank you spell check.). This just might work.