THE VOID

Confession:  I went a whole day and a half without white food, and I felt like there was no reason to live.  I mean sure I have my beautiful family and my dog and of course my Sweaty Chix, but it was like there was nothing to look forward to.  What is that all about?  Have I lived my life like a donkey, with food dangling in front of me like a carrot, moving from one refined carb encounter to another?  Looking back I think I have.  It gave me something to look forward to.  That box of Milk Duds (or four boxes) at the movie theater.  The chocolate dipped Ice Cream bar (or 5 of them) on the way home from class.  The thought of going to hospital to visit my dad because I know they have chocolate caramel pretzels (or 6 of them) in the gift shop.  And now?  What do I have to look forward to?  I feel sort of empty.  I suppose I need to fill that void with something.  I think exercise filled that for a while.  But when my classes became more work and stress than fun, I once again turned to food, my old reliable friend that was always there to comfort me.  Now what can I do?  I like to read.  Maybe I’ll try reading more.  I like typing these letters for my blog.  I can do more of that.  I used to make jewelry.  That might work.

Oh, by the way, I did have 2 white rolls with dinner tonight.  And they were yummy.  And I don’t hate myself.  

Gnocchis and Pizza Crusts and Pizza Crusts and Gnocchis

Hi Chix!  So it must be true that white flour is sort of a boring refined sugar.  How do I know that?  Cause technically I have still have not indulged in sweets, but I have found myself eating more and more white things.  Take tonight for example; I’m in Moab with the fam.  I’ve begged for Italian food every night we’ve been here.  First we went to Pasta Jays.  I love that place.  They have gnocchis to die for.  After finishing my Hagan Special which included gnocchis, stuffed shells and manicotti, I finished off Ron’s raviolis and then 6 pieces of garlic bread. Then tonight we went to Zak’s Pizza and Pasta.  I got the Pizza Buffet and once again finished off the bowl of garlic bread.  On a positive note, I didn’t have even a sniff of Matthew’s skillet cookie.  I didn’t even look at Ron’s caramel cheesecake with rasberries.  But I did come home and finish off all of the Pizza Hut Pizza crusts that my children didn’t finish while I was gone.  My high school physics teacher used to say that only fools have to experience things for themselves.  It’s not that I haven’t believed everything I’ve read about refined carbs. (i.e. …refined carbohydrates are just one chemical step away from sugar; and once eaten have nearly the same effect as sugar. That fluffy white stuff labeled "enriched white bread" is as much a part of a sugar problem as the sugar bowl. Healingwithnutrition.com)    It’s just that I didn’t want to have to be so strict.  I didn’t think I could do it.  I still don’t think I can do it.  But on the other hand if I’m going to binge, I’d rather do it on things that taste better than stale pizza crusts.  So do I take it to the next level?  Do I eliminate all refined carbs and take the chance of falling completely off the wagon?  Or do I continue this half-a$$ed attempt at living sugar-free with the freedom to have a peanut butter and sugar-free jelly sandwich on Wonder Bread every once and a while?  And how far am I wondering from my Intuitive Eating resolve?  I do not have the answer to these questions.  I do know that I feel the same way now after enough pizza to speak Italian as I did the night I ate an entire pan of brownies (minus one piece that I threw in the garbage just so I could say I didn’t eat the entire pan of brownies).  Obviously there is a connection.  I think I’m going to give it a try.  If I fall of the wagon, I fall of the wagon.  It’s not the end of the world. It just means I’ll have more to write about later.   

Muscle Milk vs. Milk Duds

Hi Chix!  Well, I’ve been sugar-free since March 25^th.  Hmmmm.   I thought it had been a month, but I guess it’s only been a few weeks.  Seems like longer…

Anyway, the resolve I wrote about in my last post (March 23^rd) didn’t last long.  One day to be exact.  The very next night I had to teach Zumba in Salem.  On my way home I stopped at a convenience store and grabbed a chocolate dipped ice cream bar.  By the time I got to South Spanish Fork, I had finished it.  So I stopped at another convenience store and bought another one.  By the time I got to North Spanish Fork I had finished that ice cream bar so I stopped at Albertson’s and bought a box of Haagan Daz.  It was the 3-pack bars.  You know, the ones with sweet vanilla, blended with fresh cream, covered with a silky milk chocolate coating and dipped in almonds.  I ate them all by the time I got home.  And I had to stop off the road and throw all 5 wrappers and the box away in a stranger’s garbage can so my family wouldn’t see.  I told a friend about this, and she said, “Didn’t you want to throw up?”  Nope.  Actually I could have eaten 5 more.

I hated myself that night.  I seriously thought of getting in my bathtub with a razor blade.  That double dose of Zoloft wasn’t touching this.  I decided to get on my knees instead.  I prayed hard.  I didn’t ask for my usual “please help me to eat better, blah blah blah”.  Instead I told God I was sick and didn’t want to be sick anymore.  I told Him that I didn’t care about losing weight, that I just wanted to not be chained to this anymore.  I was worried that even if I did die, I’d be carrying this addiction with me.   I don’t mean to say that I had not prayed fervently previously.  I have prayed about this as long as I could remember.  But I think it was different this time.  I was broken, and I knew I couldn’t fix it.  I felt different the next day when I woke up.  I went to teach my early morning class and instead of cereal when I got home, I had some of those eggs I had boiled.  When my 3:00pm cravings started I had a Muscle Milk instead of Milk Duds or Golden Oreos or Haagan Daz.  And I’ve done the same thing every day since.  I’ve been drinking a Muscle Milk once in the morning and once in the afternoon.  That seems to take the edge off a little.  In any case, I haven’t had any refined sugar at all.  I’m still eating white bread and pasta.  I can have a quesadilla at midnight if I want.  I’m not dieting.  I’m not trying to lose weight.  I’m eating intuitively, but I’m not eating sugar.  They say that after the first week or so the cravings go away.  I haven’t experienced that.  I still get cravings.  I don’t think it will ever be easy.  And I will not say that I’m not going to fall off the wagon.  Maybe I will.  But I don’t want to.  I feel so good!  I’m glad I’m keeping this blog too.  Maybe it will help me remember how good I feel compared to how bad I felt.  And maybe it will help someone else who is going through similar things.  I hope so.