How Many Calories in a Box of Envelopes?

It’s already September, and I am still holding firm in my resolve to not eat sugar although I do find myself licking extra envelopes and eating an extra chewable Zicam every once and a while, and I haven’t been able to give up bread, even though I know I should.  My stress level is off the charts right now so it’s actually good that I’ve eliminated at least some of the refined crap I used to turn to in times of trouble.  

I want to be able to say I don’t know why I haven’t lost any weight, but if I’m going to be honest, I know exactly why.  I may not be binging on sugar, but I’m still binging.  Today I binged on Joe Bandidos and Hamburger Helper.  Yesterday it was my neighbor’s homemade bread.  The day before it was my butter/flour cookie that I invented.  So there must be more to this binging behavior.  The human body really is something else.  I mean how does it know that I’m not eating sugar?  How does it know that chewable Zicam is an acceptable substitute for Oreo ice cream?  That’s just crazy.  I really do need to take it to the next level.  I tried it a while back, but I really wasn’t enjoying the experience.  I did stop drinking diet coke a couple of weeks ago.  I keep thinking that if I give up bread too, there will be nothing left.  Fruit, vegetables, meat?  What kind of an empty life must that make?

I feel like right now I’m doing good just to get up out of bed in the morning.  Everything else is a bonus.  I’m going to have to keep it status quo for now… at least until my family life settle down.  The fact that I’m living with 5 teenagers and a great dane that still pees in the house AND I haven’t touched a Twinkie in over 5 months… well that’s pretty darn good.  The next level will come eventually, but I’m not ready yet. 

3.5 Months Down and an Eternity Left to Go

As I fast approach my 4-month sober anniversary -and I can honestly say I have been sober- I can’t help but think I’m backsliding a bit.  Maybe it’s my newfound affinity for butter or perhaps it’s the fact that I inhaled several large spoonfuls of curly white pasta straight out of the pan tonight, but in any case I feel a need to re-commit.  I can’t help but wonder if it might be because I have not been to any recovery meetings lately.   Since summer has hit, I’ve been busy and I must admit, a little too self-confident about my new sugar-free lifestyle.  I’m not sure what it is about those meetings, but I heartily feel that they greatly contribute to addiction recovery success.  I think that it might be the fact that attendance shows humility.  It is an outward sign of an inward dependence on God.  That’s huge.  And I also believe that just showing up is a form of serving others.  So I’m re-committing myself to my Monday afternoon meetings.   I also feel that I might be ready to take the next step in abstinence.  I’ve been trying to stick to mainly whole grains, but refined flour has crept into my daily intake more and more lately.  I have to say that on a scale of 1 to 10, I’ve been a steady 6 or 7 as far as mood goes and probably about a 5 or 6 in energy level.  (As opposed to the 2 and 1’s I felt during my sugar-inebriated life.)  But I want to get into the 8’s!  Or dare I hope for 9’s?  Please note that I have not posted my weight or mentioned any weight loss/gain.   I actually don’t know what I weigh.  I don’t own a scale anymore.  I’m pretty sure that I haven’t lost any weight as my clothes fit the same, and I still have that particularly annoying back-fat fold right below my bra line.  But I just don’t care.  I feel so much better!  I’m not saying that it’s always easy (or ever easy!)  My daughter made chocolate krinkle cookies the other day.  I love those.  I’ve just found that not having any makes it doable.  It’s the “having just one bite” that does me in.  Do I worry about falling off the wagon?  Yep.  Do I salivate when I smell cookies in the oven?  Yep.  Do I wish I could be one of those skinny people who can eat half a candy bar?  Yep.  (How do they do that anyway???)  But am I happier than I was 4 months ago?  Yep.  And that’s the part I’m focusing on. 

Just Add it to My List

I know.  I know.  I haven’t been blogging in a while.  (Side note:  when I was young, there was no such word as blogging.)  It’s not because I’ve been eating sugar.  I haven’t.  (Although I did eat an entire stick of butter the other day.  I found out that if you melt it and mix it with flour, it almost tastes like a cookie.)  I’ve just been busy.  Besides blogging I have to find time to go to my addict meetings and work the steps (of which I have been greatly slacking).  I also have to write in my personal journal, take care of a house full of kids, keep a great dane from tracking in mud, go to church, go to church activities, sometimes clean the church, learn new Zumba choreography, learn new weights routines, listen to new music to use in the new Zumba choreography and weights routines, take care of my husband’s manly needs, answer phone calls and emails from my Sweaty Chix, make crappy, no-sugar dinners for my family, watch Modern Family, take my daughter to her vaulting lessons, take my other daughter to the mall with her friends, take my college son money because he never has any, take my mother to her doctor appointments, take my father to his doctor appointments, take my father to buy new clothes because his pants fall down and he walks around in his underwear and the living facility where he stays doesn’t like that, take more care of my husband’s manly needs, do laundry sometimes, try and help with our other business called Biolynk, try to explain to my business partner why I haven’t had to time to help with Biolynk, weed my yard, help my neighbor weed their yard because that’s what good neighbors do, feed the sick, clothe the naked, etc etc etc.  You get the idea.  Just writing all of that made me tired so I’m going to go to bed.  I forgot to add sleep to my list.  Night.

Hello. My Name is Wendy, and I'm an Addict.

Hi Chix.  I think my last few posts must have been alarming as I had phone calls from several of you who were worried about me.   One friend called and told me that my posts had made her so sad that she cried.   (And before I go on, let me assure everyone that I'm fine and that the razor blade and the bathtub may have been a little overdramatic.)  Anyway, another friend came over one night and told me she felt like I was calling out for help.  She brought me a copy of the LDS Addiction Recovery Program book and a schedule of their meetings.  At first I thought it sounded a little weird, but she said she had been attending and it had changed her life.   I told her I’d go with her the next day.  I kind of expected it to be a bunch of drug and porn addicts talking about their problems, but it was’t like that at all.  As a matter of fact, it was the most spiritual meeting I have ever attended.  I’m sure there were all kinds of addicts there, but no one spoke of any details or even of their particular issue.  They spoke of finding hope through Christ.  They spoke of their recovery experiences and the love of God that they felt through their struggles.  I couldn’t help but think that these people were celestial shoe-ins.  They were so humble and grateful.  I couldn’t wait to go back.  And I have been every week since.  They have meetings specifically for eating disorders, and I’ve started attending those.  The book that goes along with the program outlines the 12 steps used by Alcoholics Annonymous, but they are adapted for Christians, specifically members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It explains the principle of each step and gives questions to ponder and write about.  In my last post I talked a little about the void I had been feeling without having food to turn to.  In talking to some of the recovering addicts in the group, I’ve concluded that real healing comes from discovering the true source of that void.  Supposedly “working” these 12 steps is what does that.   I’m not sure how it works, but the first step is finding the honesty and humilty to actually begin.  I’m sure that’s why attending meetings is important.  It’s an action step, as is admitting that we are powerless to overcome our addictions.  I have taken that first step.  I know for a fact that I can’t overcome this on my own.  The Milk Duds and the ice cream bars (among many other binges not mentioned) proved that to me.  This journey has become much more complicated than I foresaw, but I’m determined.  Determined to be healed once and for all.  My name is Wendy.  I’m an addict, and by the way I’m 45 days clean. 

THE VOID

Confession:  I went a whole day and a half without white food, and I felt like there was no reason to live.  I mean sure I have my beautiful family and my dog and of course my Sweaty Chix, but it was like there was nothing to look forward to.  What is that all about?  Have I lived my life like a donkey, with food dangling in front of me like a carrot, moving from one refined carb encounter to another?  Looking back I think I have.  It gave me something to look forward to.  That box of Milk Duds (or four boxes) at the movie theater.  The chocolate dipped Ice Cream bar (or 5 of them) on the way home from class.  The thought of going to hospital to visit my dad because I know they have chocolate caramel pretzels (or 6 of them) in the gift shop.  And now?  What do I have to look forward to?  I feel sort of empty.  I suppose I need to fill that void with something.  I think exercise filled that for a while.  But when my classes became more work and stress than fun, I once again turned to food, my old reliable friend that was always there to comfort me.  Now what can I do?  I like to read.  Maybe I’ll try reading more.  I like typing these letters for my blog.  I can do more of that.  I used to make jewelry.  That might work.

Oh, by the way, I did have 2 white rolls with dinner tonight.  And they were yummy.  And I don’t hate myself.  

Gnocchis and Pizza Crusts and Pizza Crusts and Gnocchis

Hi Chix!  So it must be true that white flour is sort of a boring refined sugar.  How do I know that?  Cause technically I have still have not indulged in sweets, but I have found myself eating more and more white things.  Take tonight for example; I’m in Moab with the fam.  I’ve begged for Italian food every night we’ve been here.  First we went to Pasta Jays.  I love that place.  They have gnocchis to die for.  After finishing my Hagan Special which included gnocchis, stuffed shells and manicotti, I finished off Ron’s raviolis and then 6 pieces of garlic bread. Then tonight we went to Zak’s Pizza and Pasta.  I got the Pizza Buffet and once again finished off the bowl of garlic bread.  On a positive note, I didn’t have even a sniff of Matthew’s skillet cookie.  I didn’t even look at Ron’s caramel cheesecake with rasberries.  But I did come home and finish off all of the Pizza Hut Pizza crusts that my children didn’t finish while I was gone.  My high school physics teacher used to say that only fools have to experience things for themselves.  It’s not that I haven’t believed everything I’ve read about refined carbs. (i.e. …refined carbohydrates are just one chemical step away from sugar; and once eaten have nearly the same effect as sugar. That fluffy white stuff labeled "enriched white bread" is as much a part of a sugar problem as the sugar bowl. Healingwithnutrition.com)    It’s just that I didn’t want to have to be so strict.  I didn’t think I could do it.  I still don’t think I can do it.  But on the other hand if I’m going to binge, I’d rather do it on things that taste better than stale pizza crusts.  So do I take it to the next level?  Do I eliminate all refined carbs and take the chance of falling completely off the wagon?  Or do I continue this half-a$$ed attempt at living sugar-free with the freedom to have a peanut butter and sugar-free jelly sandwich on Wonder Bread every once and a while?  And how far am I wondering from my Intuitive Eating resolve?  I do not have the answer to these questions.  I do know that I feel the same way now after enough pizza to speak Italian as I did the night I ate an entire pan of brownies (minus one piece that I threw in the garbage just so I could say I didn’t eat the entire pan of brownies).  Obviously there is a connection.  I think I’m going to give it a try.  If I fall of the wagon, I fall of the wagon.  It’s not the end of the world. It just means I’ll have more to write about later.   

Muscle Milk vs. Milk Duds

Hi Chix!  Well, I’ve been sugar-free since March 25^th.  Hmmmm.   I thought it had been a month, but I guess it’s only been a few weeks.  Seems like longer…

Anyway, the resolve I wrote about in my last post (March 23^rd) didn’t last long.  One day to be exact.  The very next night I had to teach Zumba in Salem.  On my way home I stopped at a convenience store and grabbed a chocolate dipped ice cream bar.  By the time I got to South Spanish Fork, I had finished it.  So I stopped at another convenience store and bought another one.  By the time I got to North Spanish Fork I had finished that ice cream bar so I stopped at Albertson’s and bought a box of Haagan Daz.  It was the 3-pack bars.  You know, the ones with sweet vanilla, blended with fresh cream, covered with a silky milk chocolate coating and dipped in almonds.  I ate them all by the time I got home.  And I had to stop off the road and throw all 5 wrappers and the box away in a stranger’s garbage can so my family wouldn’t see.  I told a friend about this, and she said, “Didn’t you want to throw up?”  Nope.  Actually I could have eaten 5 more.

I hated myself that night.  I seriously thought of getting in my bathtub with a razor blade.  That double dose of Zoloft wasn’t touching this.  I decided to get on my knees instead.  I prayed hard.  I didn’t ask for my usual “please help me to eat better, blah blah blah”.  Instead I told God I was sick and didn’t want to be sick anymore.  I told Him that I didn’t care about losing weight, that I just wanted to not be chained to this anymore.  I was worried that even if I did die, I’d be carrying this addiction with me.   I don’t mean to say that I had not prayed fervently previously.  I have prayed about this as long as I could remember.  But I think it was different this time.  I was broken, and I knew I couldn’t fix it.  I felt different the next day when I woke up.  I went to teach my early morning class and instead of cereal when I got home, I had some of those eggs I had boiled.  When my 3:00pm cravings started I had a Muscle Milk instead of Milk Duds or Golden Oreos or Haagan Daz.  And I’ve done the same thing every day since.  I’ve been drinking a Muscle Milk once in the morning and once in the afternoon.  That seems to take the edge off a little.  In any case, I haven’t had any refined sugar at all.  I’m still eating white bread and pasta.  I can have a quesadilla at midnight if I want.  I’m not dieting.  I’m not trying to lose weight.  I’m eating intuitively, but I’m not eating sugar.  They say that after the first week or so the cravings go away.  I haven’t experienced that.  I still get cravings.  I don’t think it will ever be easy.  And I will not say that I’m not going to fall off the wagon.  Maybe I will.  But I don’t want to.  I feel so good!  I’m glad I’m keeping this blog too.  Maybe it will help me remember how good I feel compared to how bad I felt.  And maybe it will help someone else who is going through similar things.  I hope so.