Auld Lang Syne

I’m sitting in a hotel in Idaho Falls watching my daughter swim as I type this.  We came up for President’s Day weekend to see family.  I’ve just been sitting here in the chlorine infested humidity pondering how fast the year has gone.  It’s already February.  Next month will mark a full year that I have been without sugar.  I’m sorry I haven’t been more diligent about writing in this blog.  It’s been a crazy year!  My son Matthew left for his mission to Mexico a few months ago, and when I have a minute to sit at the computer, I generally find myself writing to him.  He’s past the tough part now though so perhaps I can ease up a little. 

This no sugar adventure has been interesting.  I have to say I feel like a new person!  I don’t get the mood swings that I used to.  I don’t get depressed.  I hardly ever feel bloated.  The question is, have I lost any weight???  Well, that’s a little complicated to answer, and I’ll tell you why.  About 6 months ago, I asked my doctor (Randy Lundell) about bioidentical hormones.  I was sugar-free and definitely felt better than before, but I felt like I was still not 100%.  I really hadn’t lost any weight, but even more annoying was I felt pre-menstrual about 2 weeks out of the month.  I think going off the sugar gave me a taste of what things could be, but I wanted that ALL the time.  So my doctor did some blood work and started me on a bio-identical hormone regimen.  It took 2 or 3 months, but I started to feel really great.  I would say on a scale of 1-10, whereas I was a 2 before I quit sugar, and a 6 after, I suddenly became a 9 or 10!  (I won’t give specifics about which hormones I was on because it’s truly tailor made for each individual, but I do know the thyroid adjustments are wonderful.)  Anyway, after about 4 months on the hormones, I went in for my checkup.  Dr. Lundell said he was surprised I hadn’t lost any weight since I don’t eat sugar, and my hormones were finally level.  This was in November.  I was about 157 pounds.  He said I needed to lose about 20 pounds since I’m only 5”4’ and my cholesterol was 256 (yikes!).  He said he wanted to put me on Phentermine for 2 months.  It’s the “safe” half of the infamous fen/phen diet.  I told him I was wary of Phentermine as I had been on it a couple of times before and always gained the weight back, plus more.  I also remembered it making me very grouchy.  He told me that it might be different for me this time since my hormones were normal now.  I said, “Okay.  I’ll take it, and I’ll enjoy the 2 months that I’m skinny!”  Sure enough the phentermine didn’t make me grouchy at all this time.  I quickly lost 20 pounds and went off of it in January.  I’m currently 135 pounds and haven’t gained any back yet.  I can’t say that mentally I feel a lot better cause honestly I felt fine before.  But it is nice to be able to button up my pants a little easier, and I do feel a little more confident standing up in front of a Zumba class. 

One question that I get asked a lot is, do I miss sugar?  Well, while I was on the phentermine I didn’t.  That stuff rocks.  It took away any desire to eat at all… at least until it started to wear off.  But by then I had lost the weight and was ready to see if I could do it on my own.  I was a little worried that I might be too weak to stand on my own, and remembering everything that I learned from my 12-step meetings, I’m the first to admit that I AM too weak!  But so far, so good.  I do have to give credit where credit is due.  I pray A LOT!  I did feel guilty about taking the phentermine.  I mean I preach ad nauseum that weight doesn’t matter, that it’s all about how we feel.  I do still feel a little like a hypocrit.  But I decided that I needed to follow doctor’s orders, and maybe it WAS an answer to prayer.  I don’t know.  I have yet to figure it out.  And to answer the question, I do miss it sometimes.  It’s a lot easier than it was at first.  My friends used to give me a hard time about not drinking, but I would always say I can’t miss what I never had.  Sugar is a different story.  I do know what I’m missing; the ice cream, the Milk Duds, the Pop Tarts.  But more important is what I’m NOT missing; the depression, the self-hate, the sore joints.  Seems like a no brainer to me.  So I’ll keep praying, and I’ll keep plugging along.  Meanwhile, here’s to another great year!

How Many Calories in a Box of Envelopes?

It’s already September, and I am still holding firm in my resolve to not eat sugar although I do find myself licking extra envelopes and eating an extra chewable Zicam every once and a while, and I haven’t been able to give up bread, even though I know I should.  My stress level is off the charts right now so it’s actually good that I’ve eliminated at least some of the refined crap I used to turn to in times of trouble.  

I want to be able to say I don’t know why I haven’t lost any weight, but if I’m going to be honest, I know exactly why.  I may not be binging on sugar, but I’m still binging.  Today I binged on Joe Bandidos and Hamburger Helper.  Yesterday it was my neighbor’s homemade bread.  The day before it was my butter/flour cookie that I invented.  So there must be more to this binging behavior.  The human body really is something else.  I mean how does it know that I’m not eating sugar?  How does it know that chewable Zicam is an acceptable substitute for Oreo ice cream?  That’s just crazy.  I really do need to take it to the next level.  I tried it a while back, but I really wasn’t enjoying the experience.  I did stop drinking diet coke a couple of weeks ago.  I keep thinking that if I give up bread too, there will be nothing left.  Fruit, vegetables, meat?  What kind of an empty life must that make?

I feel like right now I’m doing good just to get up out of bed in the morning.  Everything else is a bonus.  I’m going to have to keep it status quo for now… at least until my family life settle down.  The fact that I’m living with 5 teenagers and a great dane that still pees in the house AND I haven’t touched a Twinkie in over 5 months… well that’s pretty darn good.  The next level will come eventually, but I’m not ready yet. 

3.5 Months Down and an Eternity Left to Go

As I fast approach my 4-month sober anniversary -and I can honestly say I have been sober- I can’t help but think I’m backsliding a bit.  Maybe it’s my newfound affinity for butter or perhaps it’s the fact that I inhaled several large spoonfuls of curly white pasta straight out of the pan tonight, but in any case I feel a need to re-commit.  I can’t help but wonder if it might be because I have not been to any recovery meetings lately.   Since summer has hit, I’ve been busy and I must admit, a little too self-confident about my new sugar-free lifestyle.  I’m not sure what it is about those meetings, but I heartily feel that they greatly contribute to addiction recovery success.  I think that it might be the fact that attendance shows humility.  It is an outward sign of an inward dependence on God.  That’s huge.  And I also believe that just showing up is a form of serving others.  So I’m re-committing myself to my Monday afternoon meetings.   I also feel that I might be ready to take the next step in abstinence.  I’ve been trying to stick to mainly whole grains, but refined flour has crept into my daily intake more and more lately.  I have to say that on a scale of 1 to 10, I’ve been a steady 6 or 7 as far as mood goes and probably about a 5 or 6 in energy level.  (As opposed to the 2 and 1’s I felt during my sugar-inebriated life.)  But I want to get into the 8’s!  Or dare I hope for 9’s?  Please note that I have not posted my weight or mentioned any weight loss/gain.   I actually don’t know what I weigh.  I don’t own a scale anymore.  I’m pretty sure that I haven’t lost any weight as my clothes fit the same, and I still have that particularly annoying back-fat fold right below my bra line.  But I just don’t care.  I feel so much better!  I’m not saying that it’s always easy (or ever easy!)  My daughter made chocolate krinkle cookies the other day.  I love those.  I’ve just found that not having any makes it doable.  It’s the “having just one bite” that does me in.  Do I worry about falling off the wagon?  Yep.  Do I salivate when I smell cookies in the oven?  Yep.  Do I wish I could be one of those skinny people who can eat half a candy bar?  Yep.  (How do they do that anyway???)  But am I happier than I was 4 months ago?  Yep.  And that’s the part I’m focusing on. 

Just Add it to My List

I know.  I know.  I haven’t been blogging in a while.  (Side note:  when I was young, there was no such word as blogging.)  It’s not because I’ve been eating sugar.  I haven’t.  (Although I did eat an entire stick of butter the other day.  I found out that if you melt it and mix it with flour, it almost tastes like a cookie.)  I’ve just been busy.  Besides blogging I have to find time to go to my addict meetings and work the steps (of which I have been greatly slacking).  I also have to write in my personal journal, take care of a house full of kids, keep a great dane from tracking in mud, go to church, go to church activities, sometimes clean the church, learn new Zumba choreography, learn new weights routines, listen to new music to use in the new Zumba choreography and weights routines, take care of my husband’s manly needs, answer phone calls and emails from my Sweaty Chix, make crappy, no-sugar dinners for my family, watch Modern Family, take my daughter to her vaulting lessons, take my other daughter to the mall with her friends, take my college son money because he never has any, take my mother to her doctor appointments, take my father to his doctor appointments, take my father to buy new clothes because his pants fall down and he walks around in his underwear and the living facility where he stays doesn’t like that, take more care of my husband’s manly needs, do laundry sometimes, try and help with our other business called Biolynk, try to explain to my business partner why I haven’t had to time to help with Biolynk, weed my yard, help my neighbor weed their yard because that’s what good neighbors do, feed the sick, clothe the naked, etc etc etc.  You get the idea.  Just writing all of that made me tired so I’m going to go to bed.  I forgot to add sleep to my list.  Night.

Hello. My Name is Wendy, and I'm an Addict.

Hi Chix.  I think my last few posts must have been alarming as I had phone calls from several of you who were worried about me.   One friend called and told me that my posts had made her so sad that she cried.   (And before I go on, let me assure everyone that I'm fine and that the razor blade and the bathtub may have been a little overdramatic.)  Anyway, another friend came over one night and told me she felt like I was calling out for help.  She brought me a copy of the LDS Addiction Recovery Program book and a schedule of their meetings.  At first I thought it sounded a little weird, but she said she had been attending and it had changed her life.   I told her I’d go with her the next day.  I kind of expected it to be a bunch of drug and porn addicts talking about their problems, but it was’t like that at all.  As a matter of fact, it was the most spiritual meeting I have ever attended.  I’m sure there were all kinds of addicts there, but no one spoke of any details or even of their particular issue.  They spoke of finding hope through Christ.  They spoke of their recovery experiences and the love of God that they felt through their struggles.  I couldn’t help but think that these people were celestial shoe-ins.  They were so humble and grateful.  I couldn’t wait to go back.  And I have been every week since.  They have meetings specifically for eating disorders, and I’ve started attending those.  The book that goes along with the program outlines the 12 steps used by Alcoholics Annonymous, but they are adapted for Christians, specifically members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It explains the principle of each step and gives questions to ponder and write about.  In my last post I talked a little about the void I had been feeling without having food to turn to.  In talking to some of the recovering addicts in the group, I’ve concluded that real healing comes from discovering the true source of that void.  Supposedly “working” these 12 steps is what does that.   I’m not sure how it works, but the first step is finding the honesty and humilty to actually begin.  I’m sure that’s why attending meetings is important.  It’s an action step, as is admitting that we are powerless to overcome our addictions.  I have taken that first step.  I know for a fact that I can’t overcome this on my own.  The Milk Duds and the ice cream bars (among many other binges not mentioned) proved that to me.  This journey has become much more complicated than I foresaw, but I’m determined.  Determined to be healed once and for all.  My name is Wendy.  I’m an addict, and by the way I’m 45 days clean. 

THE VOID

Confession:  I went a whole day and a half without white food, and I felt like there was no reason to live.  I mean sure I have my beautiful family and my dog and of course my Sweaty Chix, but it was like there was nothing to look forward to.  What is that all about?  Have I lived my life like a donkey, with food dangling in front of me like a carrot, moving from one refined carb encounter to another?  Looking back I think I have.  It gave me something to look forward to.  That box of Milk Duds (or four boxes) at the movie theater.  The chocolate dipped Ice Cream bar (or 5 of them) on the way home from class.  The thought of going to hospital to visit my dad because I know they have chocolate caramel pretzels (or 6 of them) in the gift shop.  And now?  What do I have to look forward to?  I feel sort of empty.  I suppose I need to fill that void with something.  I think exercise filled that for a while.  But when my classes became more work and stress than fun, I once again turned to food, my old reliable friend that was always there to comfort me.  Now what can I do?  I like to read.  Maybe I’ll try reading more.  I like typing these letters for my blog.  I can do more of that.  I used to make jewelry.  That might work.

Oh, by the way, I did have 2 white rolls with dinner tonight.  And they were yummy.  And I don’t hate myself.  

Gnocchis and Pizza Crusts and Pizza Crusts and Gnocchis

Hi Chix!  So it must be true that white flour is sort of a boring refined sugar.  How do I know that?  Cause technically I have still have not indulged in sweets, but I have found myself eating more and more white things.  Take tonight for example; I’m in Moab with the fam.  I’ve begged for Italian food every night we’ve been here.  First we went to Pasta Jays.  I love that place.  They have gnocchis to die for.  After finishing my Hagan Special which included gnocchis, stuffed shells and manicotti, I finished off Ron’s raviolis and then 6 pieces of garlic bread. Then tonight we went to Zak’s Pizza and Pasta.  I got the Pizza Buffet and once again finished off the bowl of garlic bread.  On a positive note, I didn’t have even a sniff of Matthew’s skillet cookie.  I didn’t even look at Ron’s caramel cheesecake with rasberries.  But I did come home and finish off all of the Pizza Hut Pizza crusts that my children didn’t finish while I was gone.  My high school physics teacher used to say that only fools have to experience things for themselves.  It’s not that I haven’t believed everything I’ve read about refined carbs. (i.e. …refined carbohydrates are just one chemical step away from sugar; and once eaten have nearly the same effect as sugar. That fluffy white stuff labeled "enriched white bread" is as much a part of a sugar problem as the sugar bowl. Healingwithnutrition.com)    It’s just that I didn’t want to have to be so strict.  I didn’t think I could do it.  I still don’t think I can do it.  But on the other hand if I’m going to binge, I’d rather do it on things that taste better than stale pizza crusts.  So do I take it to the next level?  Do I eliminate all refined carbs and take the chance of falling completely off the wagon?  Or do I continue this half-a$$ed attempt at living sugar-free with the freedom to have a peanut butter and sugar-free jelly sandwich on Wonder Bread every once and a while?  And how far am I wondering from my Intuitive Eating resolve?  I do not have the answer to these questions.  I do know that I feel the same way now after enough pizza to speak Italian as I did the night I ate an entire pan of brownies (minus one piece that I threw in the garbage just so I could say I didn’t eat the entire pan of brownies).  Obviously there is a connection.  I think I’m going to give it a try.  If I fall of the wagon, I fall of the wagon.  It’s not the end of the world. It just means I’ll have more to write about later.   

Muscle Milk vs. Milk Duds

Hi Chix!  Well, I’ve been sugar-free since March 25^th.  Hmmmm.   I thought it had been a month, but I guess it’s only been a few weeks.  Seems like longer…

Anyway, the resolve I wrote about in my last post (March 23^rd) didn’t last long.  One day to be exact.  The very next night I had to teach Zumba in Salem.  On my way home I stopped at a convenience store and grabbed a chocolate dipped ice cream bar.  By the time I got to South Spanish Fork, I had finished it.  So I stopped at another convenience store and bought another one.  By the time I got to North Spanish Fork I had finished that ice cream bar so I stopped at Albertson’s and bought a box of Haagan Daz.  It was the 3-pack bars.  You know, the ones with sweet vanilla, blended with fresh cream, covered with a silky milk chocolate coating and dipped in almonds.  I ate them all by the time I got home.  And I had to stop off the road and throw all 5 wrappers and the box away in a stranger’s garbage can so my family wouldn’t see.  I told a friend about this, and she said, “Didn’t you want to throw up?”  Nope.  Actually I could have eaten 5 more.

I hated myself that night.  I seriously thought of getting in my bathtub with a razor blade.  That double dose of Zoloft wasn’t touching this.  I decided to get on my knees instead.  I prayed hard.  I didn’t ask for my usual “please help me to eat better, blah blah blah”.  Instead I told God I was sick and didn’t want to be sick anymore.  I told Him that I didn’t care about losing weight, that I just wanted to not be chained to this anymore.  I was worried that even if I did die, I’d be carrying this addiction with me.   I don’t mean to say that I had not prayed fervently previously.  I have prayed about this as long as I could remember.  But I think it was different this time.  I was broken, and I knew I couldn’t fix it.  I felt different the next day when I woke up.  I went to teach my early morning class and instead of cereal when I got home, I had some of those eggs I had boiled.  When my 3:00pm cravings started I had a Muscle Milk instead of Milk Duds or Golden Oreos or Haagan Daz.  And I’ve done the same thing every day since.  I’ve been drinking a Muscle Milk once in the morning and once in the afternoon.  That seems to take the edge off a little.  In any case, I haven’t had any refined sugar at all.  I’m still eating white bread and pasta.  I can have a quesadilla at midnight if I want.  I’m not dieting.  I’m not trying to lose weight.  I’m eating intuitively, but I’m not eating sugar.  They say that after the first week or so the cravings go away.  I haven’t experienced that.  I still get cravings.  I don’t think it will ever be easy.  And I will not say that I’m not going to fall off the wagon.  Maybe I will.  But I don’t want to.  I feel so good!  I’m glad I’m keeping this blog too.  Maybe it will help me remember how good I feel compared to how bad I felt.  And maybe it will help someone else who is going through similar things.  I hope so.

The Funk... I Want Off of This Crazy Ride

Hi Chix.  So I think I want to try and get out of my funk.  Did I tell that “my funk” is the real reason I haven’t written in this blog much lately?  Yes.  It’s because all I want to do in my spare time is sleep, or at least lay in bed and watch sad movies.  So on Tuesday - after my Monday breakfast of caramel popcorn and my Monday dinner of Golden Oreos – I decided to double my Zoloft dose.  Part of it was because I forgot I had already taken it earlier, but part of me figured I probably needed it.  Afterall, I’ve been so depressed.  I mean REALLY depressed.   And that’s what Zoloft is suppose to fix, right?  Well, I kept thinking about those articles I read on Sunday; the ones linking depression to refined sugar consumption.  So when my usual afternoon time to eat a lot of carbs came around, I downed a protein shake instead.  It did curb the cravings, and I made it through the day without a sugar binge.  So I think I’m going to try that again today.  I woke up this morning and almost grabbed some white bread, but instead I did the same thing… protein.  And sure enough, it’s 11:51am, and I’m okay.  Anna Rita (my Hot Hula friend) told me to boil a couple of dozen eggs and have them in the fridge at all times.  She said deli meat and cheese work the same.  So I’ll go to the store today and stock up.  But how to I justify this to all of you?  I’ve been preaching “no diets” for months, and now here I am back to ground zero.  I’m not sure how to explain.  It’s embarrassing actually.  But maybe there’s a way to not diet but just refrain from sugar.  Yeh.  That works.  Afterall, I refrain from alcohol.  I refrain from cigarettes.  So why not just add sugar to that list?  I can still eat anything else I want.  As a matter of fact, I went to a Mexican drive-thru last night at 10:30pm and had beans and cheese.  And then I came home and had chicken noodle soup.  That definitely doesn’t fit the Atkin’s way of life.  I’ll try this… again.  I’ve tried it before.  And I do remember that I didn’t need so much Zoloft at the time.  But maybe it will stick this time.  Or maybe not.  I do know one thing is different about this time around.  I’m not doing it to fit into my skinny jeans.  As a matter of fact, I’ve learned to love my elastic waste Garfield fleece pajama bottoms.  My husband doesn’t even complain so much anymore when I wear them to Walmart.  I’m doing it for my mental well-being.  I’m tired of being an addict, and I’m ready to humbly crawl out of this hole I call a funk.

4 Boxes of Milk Duds and One Giant Cookie Later…

Hi Chix.  So I haven’t written on this blog in a while.  It’s not because I’ve given up my “no more diets” mantra.  It’s more because I’ve felt like I haven’t figured anything out.  As a matter of fact, I was feeling like I’d backslid about 9 years… back to when I was 190 pounds and depressed.

I finished Intuitive Eating.  And for the most part, I agree with it.  But I’m thinking that it’s missing a chapter.  The missing chapter would be specifically targeted to those of us who are addicted to sugar.  I’ve found that my “intuitions” are leading me to an increasingly unhealthy amount of refined sugar.  Case in point, I went to a movie with my daughters yesterday.  During the movie, I ate 2 boxes of Milk Duds and some twizzlers.  That same night I went to another movie with my husband where I ate 2 more boxes of Milk Duds and one of those really big, deliciously soft macademia nut and white chocolate cookies.  This wouldn’t be too shocking had I not consumed 2 bowls of ice cream and a Malawi’s dessert pizza in between the two movies.  And even all of this would be somewhat understandable if it weren’t something that I do on a daily basis. 

One thing that I have noticed (and that does give some comfort) is that my weight has stabilized.  I remember Ganeen Roth (When Food is Love) saying that eating whatever we want will only cost us 10 pounds or so.  And that’s about right.  After beginning my intuitive eating, I gained about 10 pounds, but I’ve held steady there for a couple of months now.  And honestly, if it were just for the physical aspect, that 10 pounds would be more than worth the ability to eat all the Milk Duds I want.  IF it were just for the physical…

But it’s not.  There’s a mental aspect as well.  I’ve noticed as my sugar consumption has increased, so has my depression.  Today I decided to google sugar and depression.  BAM!  11 million hits.  Lot’s of studies prove what I’m just now figuring out.  They are linked.  Here I’ve been blaming my Zoloft dosage and really it’s probably more to do with the Milk Duds.  I mean I knew that sugar causes all sorts of highs and lows, but I’ve really felt like I’m going crazy.  And everything inside of me is screaming that sugar is the cause. 

So how does one practice intuitive eating and yet do what one needs to do to conquer the sugar addiction?  I wish I knew.  I could picture a life without potato chips.  I could live 100 years and not eat another fried whatever.  But picturing a life without sugar is literally like a life without air.  I don’t think I can do it.  I’ve tried before.  I’ve gone months without it only to fall harder off the wagon than the time before.  I think this is what started my binges, which led to my intuitive eating, which led to me writing this blog  (which led to the log in the hole of the middle of the sea) in the first place.  And yet my mental health depends on it.  So what do I do?  Maybe I’ll write the ladies that wrote Intuitive Eating and ask them.  Although that’s probably why they left that chapter out in the first place. 

One thing I have learned is this… Weaknesses do make us stronger.  I used to think that I was weak because of this.  I used to think that being “stronger” meant saying no to Milk Duds.  I used to think that this made me less than other people who didn’t have this problem.  And even though I haven’t conquered the addiction per se, it’s made me a better person.  I have empathy for people who struggle.  I get it when my daughter tells me she feels fat.  I’m more able to help my beautiful Chix who don’t feel like they’re good enough.  And I suppose these are strengths in and of themselves.  So I guess that’s the answer for now.  I get up and keep living and maybe one of these days I’ll wake up and my desire for Milk Duds will magically be gone.   You think? 

I posted this and then deleted it and then posted it again. And I'll explain why in the next post...

It’s been a discouraging week as far as food goes.  I’m supposed to be getting tired of eating junk food all the time.  I’m supposed to be craving salads and healthy food.  I’m supposed to be not thinking about food ALL the time… or so I thought.  I still find myself eating 5 bowls of Apple Jacks at a time.  I downed about a half gallon of cookie dough ice cream between Friday morning and Saturday afternoon.  I feel really bad about myself, and the worse part if I don’t see an end.  The book keeps saying that during this “first part” of the intuitive eating experience one might feel this way.  And unfortunately it gives no specific time frame for this “first part”.  What if it lasts for 20 years?  I think the thing that bugs me is that I just don’t feel great.  I keep thinking I need to quit eating sugar.  But then I have to steer myself away from that restrictive type of thinking.  But what if I feel BETTER when I don’t eat sugar?  It’s all so confusing.  So I continue.  Granted, I haven’t finished reading the book.  I’m a little past half way.  I keep thinking that there might be some magical solution at the end of the book.  But I don’t think so.  My mom told me the other day that I ought to try Weight Watchers.  But I know for a fact that if I do, I’ll lose some weight and then turn around and put it right back on.  After all, isn’t that the whole point of this lifestyle experiment?  To abandon all thoughts of diets and calorie counting and let my body guide the way.  Yes.  But there it is.  The problem.  I’m having a hard time letting my body be my guide.  I still shove food in like it’s a last meal.  Even though I know that it’s not.  Or at least I tell myself over and over that I can eat whatever I want whenever I want.  And I still eat when I’m stressed, which is most of the time.  I’m not ready to give up yet though.  I will keep on keepin’ on. 

Victory at the Walmart

It's Christmas today, Chix, and I'm on my way to Idaho to see my two grandbabies.  We've been driving for two hours, and my mind has been caught up in this past week's victories.  (There have also been some detours that my old self would have considered set backs, but my new and improved no-dieting self has quashed the negativity and will instead see them as simply learning experiences.)

My first "aha" happened on Monday at the Walmart.  For years I have dreaded trips to the Walmart because I only ever have one of two experiences there:  1) I either walk around staring at the delicious goodies like a lame dog in a butcher shop (this of course is when I am on a diet) or 2) I end up paying for several empty boxes of somethings or others because I have eaten them as I increasingly saunter down the isles in "what-the-hell" mode.  Anyway, this past trip to the Walmart was a different animal.  I didn't even realize it until I got to the cookie isle and told myself I could have anything I wanted.  I could have Walker's Shortbread.  I could have Golden Oreos.  I could have those yummy powdered sugar covered lemon cookies. (I love those!). But I just wasn't feeling it.  I didn't really WANT any of them.  And so I left that isle and headed to produce where I got what my body was really craving....broccoli (thank you spell check).  And then I went home and cooked it and ate it and was very satisfied.  Of course the next morning Sharlyn brought me homemade neighbor caramels and I ate them all before I got home from class at 6:50am.  But that's just one of those detours that I was talking about.  The real story here is that my body really did crave something else besides refined sugar and my brain listened and my mouth obeyed.  The victory was that I listened (and reacted) intuitively.  That tells me that there really is hope.  And though my clothes are a bit tighter than they were a month ago, (I have recently taken to wearing only clothes that are stretchy around the waist.  Amazing what a difference that makes in the brain!) I am beginning to feel liberated.  Maybe it's because the food police in my head are not as loud as they used to be.  Or maybe it's because this is the first Christmas I can remember that I haven't told myself that I'm a big loser for enjoying dessert.  I don't know.  But I do know that I'm fighting a fight that's worth the effort.  And I don't mean to say that everything is perfect.  I feel fat most of the time.  My husband is feeling a little neglected because I'm not feeling as sexy as I do when my stomach is empty.  And the jeans my son bought me for Christmas will probably sit on my shelf for just a bit.  But the positives are that I'm cooking dinners for my family consistently now because I can eat them, I'm finding that my mind has moments now when food isn't the primary focus, and I don't get depressed thinking that I will have to count calories for the rest of my life.  But probably the main reason that I know I'm on the right track is because, even thought I've enjoyed the holiday treats, I haven't binged.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I've eaten plenty, but since I've mentally given myself permission to eat, I haven't eaten to the point of hating myself.  And that's huge for me.  

So stay tuned.  I'm fully aware that this is a process.  I will continue to remind myself and you that it's the journey that counts.  It's the journey that counts.  It's the journey that counts.  :). Wendy

Ps.  A similar victory just happened at the Maverick store in Tremonton.  We stopped there for a bite to eat. (Remember it's Christmas, and even the Taco Bell is closed.). I automatically went to the candy isle cause that is what I do.  Nothing looked good.  Nothing.  So instead I had a bite of Ron's Bahama Mama hotdog and called it good.  If the Walmart was open, I might just have had some broccoli (Again, thank you spell check.). This just might work.

Homemade Neighbor Caramels and Those Damn Food Police

 Well, I’m sitting in my kitchen feeling like a bloated piece of crap.  According to Intuitive Eating, the first stage of overcoming ED’s (eating disorders), including my particular favorite, binge eating, is to completely reject the diet mentality.  In order to do this, we should mentally make a list of the foods we consider “bad”.  You know, the foods that make us feel guilty after we eat them.  In my case it’s foods like cookies, ice cream, Hersey Bars, brownies, strawberry pop tarts, brown sugar pop tarts, blueberry pop tarts… basically any kind of pop tart or any food with sugar or white flour.  (Also included on my list are foods with oil and butter.)  After we acknowledge the absurdness in labeling a food as “bad” or “good”, we begin to make a conscience effort to eat all of these foods without limits.  This part of the process has no time restraints.  And there is purpose in this madness.  Supposedly the binges are the result of two types of thinking; 1) the thought of future denial.  Why wouldn’t we stuff our faces with as many Pop Tarts as possible if we thought it would be the last time we were to ever have that tasty goodness?  That’s the “last supper” mentality.  Eat as much as possible today for tomorrow we diet.  2) Then there’s the what-the-hell mentality.  This is the reason for the after diet binge.  For me, I’m usually really “good” for 3 or 4 days.  But then the allure of a “bad” food comes a callin’.   All it takes is one bite… and BAM! The what-the-hell thoughts take over.  Before I know it, I’ve consumed all the Pop-Tarts I denied myself during those 3 or 4 days of torture and then a bunch more in preparation for the diet that will eventually tell me that I can never eat a Pop Tart again. 

According to Evelyn Tribble and Elyse Resch (Intuitive Eating authors) the purpose of this phase is to become re-acquainted with food as well as to begin to tune into our internal ques.  It’s during this phase that we are supposed to turn off the “Food Police” in our heads.  The Food Police are those thoughts that tell us that we are bad when we eat anything yummy.  They tell us that we are going to get fat because we eat some of our son’s birthday cake or because we want to stop at the Dairy Queen and have an ice cream cone, or because we LOVE the homemade caramels from our neighbor at Christmas time.  Speaking of homemade caramels.  I have to admit it’s a nice time of year to be in the “reject the diet mentality” part of this book.  Homemade neighbor caramels are definitely on my list of “bad” foods so I’ve made a point to eat as many as I possibly could.  (I think my husband is wishing I would listen just a little bit to my food police… at least just enough to save him at least one of the homemade neighbor caramels.) 

Anyway, this phase of the process has been tough on my self-esteem.  They say in the book that we might not feel great during this time.  We may gain some weight and just not feel up to par.  I can testify to this statement.  I’ve put on a few, and I just feel yucky lots of the time.  But I’m jumping in with faith – faith that I’ll win the battle with the Food Police bullies who still nag at me every day.  Faith that I’ve dieted my very last diet.  Faith that eventually the Pop Tarts and homemade neighbor caramels will not be quite so appealing.  And faith

that I will eventually get to the healthy eating part of the process.  Evelyn and Elynse say that nutrition part of the book is coming.  They say it comes at the end because we aren’t ready for it yet.  Apparently nutrition cannot be the driving force at this point in the game because if it were, it would only “perpetuate [our] restrictive thoughts”.  They say that if we think about eating a hot chocolate sundae at every meal, eventually we’ll crave something healthy.  I believe that.  And that helps give me the courage to eat those homemade neighbor Christmas caramels. 

And so my beautiful Chix, I AM doing it.  I want to say I’m doing it for you, so I can show you that diets don’t work and that this intuitive eating is really the way to go.  But honestly, I’m doing it mostly for me.  I just couldn’t live with the obsessions and the denial and the obsessions anymore.  AND I’m doing it for you.  Because if this works, and we can all come together in this meeting of the no-diets mind, we can change the world – at least the small worlds we’re living in, right?  Right.

Sweaty Chix Movement, Memo, or Mission Statement. I'm Not Quite Sure

Hi Chix!  I've been wanting to write and share something with you all for some time.  I've put it off for several reasons.  1) Because it's embarassing for me to talk about it,  2) Because I have yet to solve the problem, and 3) Because I assume people get sick of listening to me "blah blah blah".  But I've decided to go ahead and share.  Maybe it's because Jerry McGuire was on TV a couple of weeks ago and his "memo" inspired me too.  Or maybe it's just because I realize that I'm learning on the journey, and I know lots of you can relate.  In any case, I need to go back just a bit to get to where I want to go, so bare with me...

Sweaty Chix wasn't always "Sweaty Chix".  It really just started out as me teaching a couple times a week at the "copper top" church in Mapleton.  I think that was back in 2003 or 2004.   And actually I need to go back even farther.  When I was 30, I found myself divorced, pregnant, and a single mother to two little boys.  Fortunately, this amazing guy (Ron) came along and married me (pregnant and all).  But by the time I had given birth to that baby and then to one more (the "our's"), I was almost 200 pounds and hated myself.  To make a long story short, I discovered Tae Bo and lost about 60 pounds.  After a year and a half, I decided I wanted to teach so I started up at the church.  After doing that gig for a year, Richard (Omega Martial Arts) talked me into bringing my class over to his building (it was the old decrepit Omega building).  We did Tae Bo there for a while until he built his nice new building in our present location.  Soon Kristin and I came up with the grand idea to add weights.  And then Yoga and Zumba came into the picture, and kaPOW, Sweaty Chix was born. 

But the purpose of this "memo" is not to give you the history of Sweaty Chix.  The reason I bring all of that up is to say that through the years exercise has helped me keep off much of that 60 pounds I lost way back when.  But there is another component that has continued to plague me.  As a matter of fact, it has plagued me since the 8th grade, which is the first time I remember thinking that I was fat.  I remember specifically comparing my thighs to Kasey Rickabaugh's thighs.  Her's were much skinnier.  And there it began.  My battle with food.  Binge, starve, binge, starve, binge, starve... and even attempting on more than one occasion to throw up.  Dexatrim, fen-phen, laxitives.  I've dabbled in all of them through the years.  Some years have passed with just casual dieting, always ending back with the binge/starve pattern that became home to me.  The best years I remember were those after my initial weight loss I mentioned previously.  I can't even say why.  Maybe it was the new found love of exercise, specifically Tae Bo (Billy Blanks even put me in his infomercial.)  I stayed stable up until a couple of years ago.  I'm not sure what happened but all of a sudden, those habits I thought I had long since abandoned came creeping back.  I had plastic surgery in 2009, and I think it started then.  Maybe I started feeling pressure to look perfect.  It's tough telling people that I work in the "fitness industry" while feeling like I should be saying I work in the "food industry".  (And that's part of the problem.  I feel just as "fat" at 140 pounds as I did at 200 pounds.  How does that work exactly?!)  In any case, I found myself dieting again.  I did HCG, high protein, Fat Loss for Idiots, etc etc etc.  Each diet ended up with a bigger binge than the previous.  And each diet ended up with a bigger number on the scale than the previous.  Well, a few weeks ago, I decided that I was done.  It was consuming my life, my mind, everything.  I decided that I would rather settle for 155 pounds (which is where I ended up after the last diet) and never diet again than risk thinking about food forever.  I also made an appointment with a counselor at Center for Change and vowed to do whatever they said.  (I would have checked myself in had it not cost $20K)  In any case, she confirmed in my head what I already knew in my heart... diets do NOT work.  I know we've heard that over and over, but she really convinced me.  And then she sent me to buy this book called Intuitive Eating.  It's by two nutritionists, Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch.  I'm not going to get into everything I am learning from this book in this email.  I'll save that for the next one.  But I want to share that thought with you.  Diets don't work.  Ever.  At least in my 44 years they haven't. 

But the main thing I want to share with you goes back to our "Sweaty Chix" beginnings.  When we first started out, way back in the copper top church and old Omega building days, our main focus was to love ourselves for who we are.  As a matter of fact, we started something called the Love and Laughter Society.  We all carried around cards that reminded us to be happy with ourselves and to remember that the "bulges and wrinkles and grey hair are the rewards of life and love and laughter."  It's hard living in Utah.  The pressure to keep up is overwhelming.  Did you know that we are #1 in the country when it comes to anti-depressants?  And did you know that we are #1 when it comes to plastic surgery?  (I'm helping with both of those stats!!)  Anyway, those two have to be interconnected.  There are so many talented, beautiful, amazing women.  It's really hard not to get down on ourselves and feel like we aren't good enough.  But the reality is WE are the talented, beautiful, amazing women!  And it's not because we fit into skinny jeans, or not.  It's simply because we ARE.

So this is what I want for Sweaty Chix.  I want a new movement.  I want us to be happy with who we are.  I want us to quit worrying about the scale.  If I could, I'd come over to each of your houses and throw it away.  I'm throwing mine away - tonight.  I hope you'll join me.  Let's decide that we are not going to "diet" anymore, and let's just BE.  I know some of you already have this gift, but for the rest of us, let's learn together to enjoy exercise and food without obsessing about it.  And then let's be examples to the rest of Utah.  If you want to go get that book, it's called Intuitive Eating.  We can read it together (Do I see a Sweaty Chix book club in our future?)  There are a lot of us now.  We have an amazing support group.  And we have a responsibility to reach out and let other women know that they don't have to wear makeup and Jimmy Choo's to the Wal-mart.  (Unless they really want to.)  So are you in?  If so, email and let me know.  Post your progress on our Facebook page, or YOUR facebook page.  Or email me.  Or email your friend.  Or just keep it in your heart and be grateful!  Here's to us!  Wendy

p.s.  I’ll be sharing some of what I’m learning through this book and another great one called “When Food if Love” by Ganeen Roth.  If you prefer to not receive the emails, please let me know.  And feel free to email me with your thoughts and progress.  And remember it’s all in the journey.  Sometimes we’ll take one step forward and two steps back.  But that second step back may just teach us something that we missed the first time around.  So be grateful for that little detour and be kind to yourself.    xoxo  W.