The Funk... I Want Off of This Crazy Ride

Hi Chix.  So I think I want to try and get out of my funk.  Did I tell that “my funk” is the real reason I haven’t written in this blog much lately?  Yes.  It’s because all I want to do in my spare time is sleep, or at least lay in bed and watch sad movies.  So on Tuesday - after my Monday breakfast of caramel popcorn and my Monday dinner of Golden Oreos – I decided to double my Zoloft dose.  Part of it was because I forgot I had already taken it earlier, but part of me figured I probably needed it.  Afterall, I’ve been so depressed.  I mean REALLY depressed.   And that’s what Zoloft is suppose to fix, right?  Well, I kept thinking about those articles I read on Sunday; the ones linking depression to refined sugar consumption.  So when my usual afternoon time to eat a lot of carbs came around, I downed a protein shake instead.  It did curb the cravings, and I made it through the day without a sugar binge.  So I think I’m going to try that again today.  I woke up this morning and almost grabbed some white bread, but instead I did the same thing… protein.  And sure enough, it’s 11:51am, and I’m okay.  Anna Rita (my Hot Hula friend) told me to boil a couple of dozen eggs and have them in the fridge at all times.  She said deli meat and cheese work the same.  So I’ll go to the store today and stock up.  But how to I justify this to all of you?  I’ve been preaching “no diets” for months, and now here I am back to ground zero.  I’m not sure how to explain.  It’s embarrassing actually.  But maybe there’s a way to not diet but just refrain from sugar.  Yeh.  That works.  Afterall, I refrain from alcohol.  I refrain from cigarettes.  So why not just add sugar to that list?  I can still eat anything else I want.  As a matter of fact, I went to a Mexican drive-thru last night at 10:30pm and had beans and cheese.  And then I came home and had chicken noodle soup.  That definitely doesn’t fit the Atkin’s way of life.  I’ll try this… again.  I’ve tried it before.  And I do remember that I didn’t need so much Zoloft at the time.  But maybe it will stick this time.  Or maybe not.  I do know one thing is different about this time around.  I’m not doing it to fit into my skinny jeans.  As a matter of fact, I’ve learned to love my elastic waste Garfield fleece pajama bottoms.  My husband doesn’t even complain so much anymore when I wear them to Walmart.  I’m doing it for my mental well-being.  I’m tired of being an addict, and I’m ready to humbly crawl out of this hole I call a funk.

4 Boxes of Milk Duds and One Giant Cookie Later…

Hi Chix.  So I haven’t written on this blog in a while.  It’s not because I’ve given up my “no more diets” mantra.  It’s more because I’ve felt like I haven’t figured anything out.  As a matter of fact, I was feeling like I’d backslid about 9 years… back to when I was 190 pounds and depressed.

I finished Intuitive Eating.  And for the most part, I agree with it.  But I’m thinking that it’s missing a chapter.  The missing chapter would be specifically targeted to those of us who are addicted to sugar.  I’ve found that my “intuitions” are leading me to an increasingly unhealthy amount of refined sugar.  Case in point, I went to a movie with my daughters yesterday.  During the movie, I ate 2 boxes of Milk Duds and some twizzlers.  That same night I went to another movie with my husband where I ate 2 more boxes of Milk Duds and one of those really big, deliciously soft macademia nut and white chocolate cookies.  This wouldn’t be too shocking had I not consumed 2 bowls of ice cream and a Malawi’s dessert pizza in between the two movies.  And even all of this would be somewhat understandable if it weren’t something that I do on a daily basis. 

One thing that I have noticed (and that does give some comfort) is that my weight has stabilized.  I remember Ganeen Roth (When Food is Love) saying that eating whatever we want will only cost us 10 pounds or so.  And that’s about right.  After beginning my intuitive eating, I gained about 10 pounds, but I’ve held steady there for a couple of months now.  And honestly, if it were just for the physical aspect, that 10 pounds would be more than worth the ability to eat all the Milk Duds I want.  IF it were just for the physical…

But it’s not.  There’s a mental aspect as well.  I’ve noticed as my sugar consumption has increased, so has my depression.  Today I decided to google sugar and depression.  BAM!  11 million hits.  Lot’s of studies prove what I’m just now figuring out.  They are linked.  Here I’ve been blaming my Zoloft dosage and really it’s probably more to do with the Milk Duds.  I mean I knew that sugar causes all sorts of highs and lows, but I’ve really felt like I’m going crazy.  And everything inside of me is screaming that sugar is the cause. 

So how does one practice intuitive eating and yet do what one needs to do to conquer the sugar addiction?  I wish I knew.  I could picture a life without potato chips.  I could live 100 years and not eat another fried whatever.  But picturing a life without sugar is literally like a life without air.  I don’t think I can do it.  I’ve tried before.  I’ve gone months without it only to fall harder off the wagon than the time before.  I think this is what started my binges, which led to my intuitive eating, which led to me writing this blog  (which led to the log in the hole of the middle of the sea) in the first place.  And yet my mental health depends on it.  So what do I do?  Maybe I’ll write the ladies that wrote Intuitive Eating and ask them.  Although that’s probably why they left that chapter out in the first place. 

One thing I have learned is this… Weaknesses do make us stronger.  I used to think that I was weak because of this.  I used to think that being “stronger” meant saying no to Milk Duds.  I used to think that this made me less than other people who didn’t have this problem.  And even though I haven’t conquered the addiction per se, it’s made me a better person.  I have empathy for people who struggle.  I get it when my daughter tells me she feels fat.  I’m more able to help my beautiful Chix who don’t feel like they’re good enough.  And I suppose these are strengths in and of themselves.  So I guess that’s the answer for now.  I get up and keep living and maybe one of these days I’ll wake up and my desire for Milk Duds will magically be gone.   You think?